Client Perspective: Saying No as a Child of Immigrants
By Sue Nguyen, LMSW
Oftentimes it may be hard to set boundaries with those around us. Whether it is how to navigate moving out of the house and rediscovering those limitations with our parents, or addressing ongoing conflict with those important to us. Maybe, it might even be how to stop any communications with someone entirely.
When thinking about this out loud, the intuitive solution might be, “Let’s just set boundaries!” It sounds easy enough, but it is actually very normal for it to be a bit more complicated than it seems, especially as a child of immigrants. The cultural layers someone holds may clash often with this concept of “boundaries”. This article goes into the nuances of boundaries and the intersections of growing up in an immigrant household and trying to say “no”.
Defining Boundaries
Boundaries are invisible or visible limits that are set for each individual when interacting with other individuals. These are the limits that determine if someone likes chocolate chip ice cream, mint chocolate ice cream, or even ice cream at all. Boundaries also help inform us if someone is okay with a hug, a kiss, or even a handshake. These lines extend beyond physical touches and help us by determining how we want to be treated as individuals. Whether we are okay with keeping secrets from one another, being shouted at, or even if we like to be thrown a surprise party or not.
With all that has been said, boundaries can be considered as a staple in relationships, especially when conflict comes up. Every relationship between two or more people can look very different, from one household to the next. Whenever conflict arises and continues to come up, the first thing most people ask themselves is, “Okay, how do I express to this person how that made me feel?”, “How do I share my thoughts while also still listening to what the other person is thinking?”, or “I didn’t really like what they said, how do I let them know?”. These are all different questions and ways of thinking about boundaries.
The Cultural Complications with Boundaries
Growing up, no one is taught formally how to set boundaries or how to navigate boundaries being crossed. Boundaries can look different for each and every person. They can be complicated depending on the nature of the relationship, or can feel intimidating to set sometimes.
When considering cultural differences, one might ask themselves, “What do my boundaries look like?” or “What influences my boundaries”? Boundaries are influenced by a lot of different factors. This may include how you were raised by those around you and what values were instilled in you from those around you.
If you are someone with parents who immigrated to the United States as an adult and raised you as a child in the United States, you might notice a drift or tension between what is right and what is wrong when thinking about your own boundaries. This drift or tension shows up more as someone gets older and begins forming their own values. This can feel unclear and isn’t as black and white as maybe someone else whose ancestry is just American. This is what can be known as cognitive dissonance.
When people are exposed to opposing thoughts or arguments and they are not able to choose which the right one is, they experience cognitive dissonance (Yahya, A. H., & Sukmayadi, V., 2020). Most people are aware of their belief systems. Nevertheless, when people realize that they resonate in other people’s perspectives and ideas that differ from their own, it becomes in conflict with their own cognitive beliefs. This may result in the individual feeling dread, guilt, anger, frustration, anxiety, stress, and other emotions. These emotions then make it hard to set boundaries, especially if those boundaries go against our own beliefs. Thus, when trying to hold both your parents' values and your own values that are inspired by American values, it can feel as though there is a disconnect. This disconnect can be explained further through comparing individualistic values versus collective values.
American values, which are more focused on individualistic values, have a larger focus on focusing on the self and what the individual needs over what the group needs (Jiao, J., & Zhao, J., 2023). In other cultural groups, like Asian, Mexican, Hispanic, and African, there is a larger emphasis on the self being intertwined with the group and prioritizing group concerns/needs over the individual. This is what is more called a collectivist perspective.
When referring back to the definition of boundaries, boundaries inherently are prioritizing needs of an individual over others. This can be more intuitive for those who were raised in a generation of Americans. However, for those who come from various cultures and grew up with immigrants, boundaries are going to be naturally harder to explore and maintain. Even having a conversation about boundaries can be uncomfortable and scary, which is really normal.
Conflict Styles and Boundaries
When diving into more research on setting boundaries and the styles in which each person is able to navigate it, it's common to reference the Dual Concern Model. The Dual Concern Model is a model created by Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann in the 1970s in hopes of building a better understanding on how people handle conflict (Cai, D., & Fink, E., 2002).
The Dual Concern Model analyzes different conflict styles that are based on the amount of concern an individual has for their own needs (assertiveness) and the amount of concern an individual has for the needs of others (cooperativeness). The graph below illustrates the model.
Figure 1.1 adapted from Cai, D., & Fink, E., 2002, pg. 69, created by Sue Nguyen, LMSW.
Based on the amount of concern an individual has about themselves and others, their conflict style may vary between avoiding conflict as a whole, dominating the conflict regardless of the needs of others, integrating themselves with those around them, or listening (obliging) to the needs of others and disregarding their own.
Those who come from collectivist cultures are more likely to portray certain conflict styles (Cai, D., & Fink, E., 2002). They may find themselves just listening to the needs of others and disregarding their own, which can be referred to as obliging, according to Figure 1. These individuals may also likely find themselves in other parts of the diagram, such as avoiding conflict as a whole in order to maintain peace. This style may lead to fully dismissing their own needs, but also overlooking the needs of others when attempting to address conflict.
When we think about setting boundaries, the goal is to be in the middle of the diagram, called “compromise”. The conflict style “compromise” focuses on both the outcomes of others and an individual’s outcome. This will allow someone to be able to equally worry about others needs and their own in order to find a middle ground or a win-win solution. However, learning to be able to do this comes with time and may need extra support from others, like a therapist.
What Can I Do For Myself
When reflecting on your boundaries, you may want to explore further by asking yourself these questions:
Are there boundaries I wish I had with my loved ones? If so, what are they?
What are the cultural differences and factors that may make it hard for me to set boundaries with my loved ones?
Are there any conflicting values that are stopping me from setting boundaries?
What would I need to navigate these differences and factors to find a balance for my boundaries? How can I set boundaries and still respect the relationships around me?
Is there a way I can start small in setting boundaries, then work my way towards a bigger goal?
Do I need extra support in setting boundaries?
By asking these questions, the hope is you would be able to reflect at your own pace to support yourself in setting boundaries with those around you. As a gentle reminder, it is normal to find yourself stumped or unsure of your boundaries because we aren’t taught how to navigate this growing up. If you need support in exploring these questions further, please don’t hesitate to reach out to your therapist or get connected to Loving Circle Counseling. Boundaries are essential to one’s overall wellbeing, and you deserve to be the best version of yourself.
Sources
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conflict resolution: A meta-analysis. International Journal of Intercultural Relations, 29(2), 165–196. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ijintrel.2005.06.002
Jiao, J., & Zhao, J. (2023). Individualism, collectivism, and allocation behavior: Evidence
from the ultimatum game and dictator game. Behavioral Sciences, 13(2), 1–14.
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