You Might Actually Be Able To Blame Your Parents

By Janel Wetzel, LMSW CCTP

Ever wonder how the relationship you had with your parents as a child impacts you today as an adult? Do you think the way they treated you, talked to you and addressed your basic needs affects how you view yourself? Do you find yourself attracted to the same emotionally unavailable romantic partners despite the many heartaches in the past? 

The attachment style you share with your caregiver may be to blame.

What is Attachment Theory? 

According to the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, the general definition of  Attachment Theory is described as the following: 

“A set of concepts that explain the emergence of an emotional bond between an  infant and primary caregiver; And the way in which this bond affects the child’s  behavioral and emotional development into adulthood.” 

…But what does this mean? The Attachment Theory, created by John Bowlby and collaborated with Mary Ainsworth, is a concept that explains the bond between a child and their main caregiver. The theory is categorized into four different types of attachment styles: Secure, Insecure Avoidant, Ambivalent/resistant, and  Disorganized. The way we connect to our caregivers throughout infancy dictates our relationship patterns throughout adulthood and is based on our internal working models, also known as core beliefs. 

Children use their attachment figure as a secure base for exploring the world. When they feel safe, they will venture out and explore the physical world as well as the social world. This sense of felt safety, fostered by their caregiver, is crucial when developing a sense of self and how they identify with the world. This attachment to our caregivers also impacts our social development, which formulates how we view our needs, other people’s needs, and our perception of the world. How the relationship between child and caregiver is in early childhood dictates how our future relationships will be later on in life.

Harlow’s Monkeys 

This theory proves that there is so much more to a child/caregiver bond than just providing food and nutrients. Children need to feel safety, security, and comfort, in addition to having their basic needs met. There was a controversial study done in the 1960’s involving monkeys which demonstrated how essential an emotional attachment with their caregiver was to have healthy development. Researchers created two surrogate monkey mothers, one made of wire and wood that provided food, while the other was made of soft cloth that solely provided comfort. After many weeks, the researchers found that baby monkeys spent all of their time clinging to the soft cloth mother who provided the snuggles. Even when the monkey was hungry, he would quickly feed from the wood mother then return to the comfort mother immediately after. Each time the baby monkey was subjected to an emotionally distressing object, the monkey would run to the mother who provided comfort, never to the mother who provided food. This concluded that there is more to developing an emotional bond than simply providing food and nutrients, as was once thought. Although the means to obtaining this information were viewed by some as unethical, the results changed the way psychiatrists and professionals understood attachment and social behavior. 

Attachment Styles 

Research shows that a baby between birth and up to 5 years old can form an attachment with just about anyone. Predominately, the child forms the most impactful attachment with the primary caregiver, such as mom or dad; however,  anyone who is around the child the most. Who is answering their cries? Fulfilling their needs? Providing basic safety, security, and comfort? Based on how this caregiver responds to the child’s needs, the attachment styles are created. There are four main ways these are categorized: Secure Attachment, Insecure  Avoidant, Ambivalent/Resistant, and Disorganized. 

SECURE ATTACHMENT 

John Bowlby, creator of the Attachment Theory, describes a secure attachment  figure to be: “available, responsive, and helpful.” (Howe, 2011) 

• Child sees the caregiver as a safe base 

• Child feels safe to explore the world 

• Confident the caregiver can meet their needs

• Can seek the caregiver in times of distress 

• Infants are easily soothed by the caregiver 

• Caregiver is sensitive to their signals & responds appropriately EVERY SINGLE TIME 

E X A M P L E O F S E C U R E A T T A C H M E N T 

Here is an example of what a secure attachment looks like. In this YouTube video,  between the start of the clip until 1:08, you will observe Bambi’s secure attachment with his mother. Bambi’s loving mother responded appropriately to his needs when he fell. Because he received gentle encouragement and reassurance, he felt safe to try walking again and to explore with friends. 

INSECURE AVOIDANT 

• Children investigate environment without any caregiver safe-base

• Very independent of the attachment figure 

• Both emotionally and physically 

• Does not seek contact during distress 

• Caregiver typically is unresponsive 

• Insensitive and dismissive to child’s needs 

• Unavailable during emotional distress 

• Does not help with difficult tasks 

• Possibly experience avoidant attachment patterns during their own  childhood with their caregiver 

E X A M P L E O F I N S E C U R E A V O I D A N T 

Here, you will observe an example of what an Insecure Attachment style looks like.  As you can see, the child is very uninterested in the caregiver or the stranger. The child does not show any distress when the parent leaves and does not need any comfort from anyone. The child feels comfortable and prefers independent play. 

AMBIVALENT/RESISTANT 

• Children do not trust the caregiver 

• Caused by an inconsistent level of response from the caregiver • Caregiver responds appropriately to child’s needs only SOMETIMES • Wary of strangers 

• Separation anxiety when attachment figure leaves 

• However, can not be comforted or soothed by caregiver upon  return 

• Children seem to be reluctant to get as close as they would like to the  caregiver

E X A M P L E O F A M B I V A L E N T / R E S I S T A N T 

DISORGANIZED 

Mary Ainsworth describes Disorganized Attachment as the following:  “A child who exhibits behavioral disorganization or disorientation in the form of  wandering, confused expressions, freezing, undirected movements, or  contradictory (i.e., ‘unorganized’) patterns of interaction with a caregiver.” 

(Howe, 2011) 

• Most children have history of trauma and/or abuse 

• Difficulty controlling their emotions and behaviors 

• Possibly aggressive or angry 

• Not trusting of adults & poor social skills 

• May show fear of caregiver 

• Person who should be providing comfort is actually causing fear • Attachment style can be caused by unresolved trauma and loss in the  caregiver’s life 

• Intergenerational trauma 

How Does Attachment Impact Adulthood? 

Attachments that are established during our childhood impact us throughout our lifespan. This early bond dictates how we perceive ourselves, others, and the world around us. This concept is known as Internal Working Models or Core Beliefs.

Our Internal Working Models or Core Beliefs are developed based on our connection with our caregivers during the early formative years of our lives. These shape how we treat others, how we treat ourselves, and we expect to be treated. If the caregiver responds appropriately to all of the child’s needs consistently, then the child will feel secure and worthy of love. This will carry into adulthood with expectations of having similar relationships. On the other hand, if the caregiver responds inconsistently to the child’s needs, then the child may enter into adulthood questioning their worthiness of love and respect as they did not receive this regularly in childhood. They may unconsciously seek out similar intimate relationships and friendships for familiarity. They may also develop negative self-image and low self-esteem, among others, as a result. 

Core beliefs are different for everyone. While some may struggle with responsibility and defectiveness, others may find themselves connecting more with needing to be in power or control. It’s important to work with a therapist to discover what internal working models or core beliefs are at the root of your unhealthy relationships, low self-esteem, or negative self-talk. 

Attachment & Childhood Trauma 

It’s no secret childhood trauma can impact adulthood. But how? Studies show that having an unhealthy attachment to a caregiver during childhood while also experiencing traumas can certainly dictate how you form relationships in adulthood.  A person who grew up with a chaotic upbringing may gravitate towards a chaotic romantic relationship or a partner with a similar childhood as their own. Attachment styles aside from secure can cause maladaptive behaviors throughout the lifespan,  such as avoidance and withdrawal. It also increases the risk of mental and physical illnesses throughout adulthood. 

It’s also important to recognize that the traumas might not even be from your own experiences. Parents who experience their own childhood trauma can often pass their symptoms onto their children unknowingly. A parent may react to triggers from their own unresolved trauma. Their child may witness their parent’s behaviors and reactions to the trauma, as a result, causing the child to be fearful of the parents’ trigger as well as the parent. This is also known as intergenerational trauma. 

Effective Interventions 

Okay, great. I have an unhealthy attachment with my caregiver, and I have negative core beliefs. NOW WHAT?!

Come to therapy! Through awareness, cognitive restructuring, trauma healing, and mindfulness, you can begin to shift your mindset to a more healthy way of thinking.  You can manage your core beliefs by challenging them. You can improve yourself 

esteem and confidence to feel worthy of love and respect. These changes will reflect in how you treat others, treat yourself, and how you expect others to treat you. 

There are three main interventions I use in my practice to address unhealthy attachment styles. They are Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing  Therapy (EMDR), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), and Mindfulness meditation. 

Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing Therapy (EMDR) 

• Intervention used to heal from past traumas and other negative associations. • Check out What is EMDR? to learn more about this type of intervention. 

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) 

• Changes our perceptions, including our thoughts, behaviors, and emotions. • “What we think affects how we feel and act; what we do affects  how we think and feel; and what we feel affects how we think and  act.” 

Mindfulness Meditation 

• Teaches how to relax your body in order to effectively manage anxiety and control triggers. 

• Head over to Grounding Tools For Managing Trauma Triggers to find which tool works best for you! 

There is hope for you to interrupt this unhealthy cycle! Do not let your negative childhood experiences hold you back any longer. Through hard work and therapy,  you can change the way you view yourself and the world around you. Let’s start today. 

Works Cited

Attachment Theory. (n.d.) In Random House Unabridged Dictionary. Retrieved from https://www.dictionary.com/browse/attachment theory 

Benoit D. (2004). Infant-parent attachment: Definition, types, antecedents, measurement and outcome. Paediatrics & child health, 9(8), 541–545. doi:10.1093/pch/9.8.541 

Bowlby, J. (1980). Loss: Sadness & depression. Attachment and loss (vol. 3); (International psycho-analytical library no.109). London:  Hogarth Press.

Bretherton, I. (1992). The origins of attachment theory: John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. Developmental Psychology, 28(5), 759– 775. https://doi- org.proxy.lib.wayne.edu/10.1037/0012-1649.28.5.759 

Howe T.R. (2011) Disorganized/Disoriented Attachment. In: Goldstein S., Naglieri J.A. (eds) Encyclopedia of Child Behavior and  Development. Springer, Boston, MA 

McLeod, S. A. (2018, Aug 05). Mary Ainsworth. Retrieved fromhttps://www.simplypsychology.org/mary-ainsworth.html 

Michael Meehan, Bronwyn Massavelli & Nancy Pachana (2017) Using Attachment Theory and Social Support Theory to Examine and  Measure Pets as Sources of Social Support and Attachment Figures,Anthrozoös, 30:2, 273- 

289, DOI: 10.1080/08927936.2017.1311050 

Rincón-Cortés, M., & Sullivan, R. M. (2014). Early life trauma and attachment: Immediate and enduring effects on neurobehavioral and  stress axis development. Frontiers in Endocrinology, 5, 33. doi:10.3389/fendo.2014.00033